Doodles #3

Here are some more doodles from the sketchbook. I'm particularly fond of the kid falling into the pit. Adventure!? Click to enlarge.

-Erik

Dear Pirates,

If you have hooks for hands and pegs for legs, do you really want to spend so much time near open water?

Save the doggy paddle for land fights.

(Brought to you by the Council of Pirates Who Can't Swim)

-Erik

Everyone Loves Parrots!

Dear serial murderers, don’t do it! But if you have to, take a parrot with you. They are known for keeping secrets! In English!



(This has been brought to you by the Agency for Planting Parrots as Witnesses)


-Erik

Money Making Tip #2: Paparazzi the Paparazzi

Sick of living off of ramen and false hope? Here’s a money making tip for you.

Paparazzi the Paparazzi.

While they are integral in making sure that celebrities dress like child molesters who are allergic to the sun whenever in public, they are not universally loved by the celebrities themselves. Which I don’t understand, if you wanted to be a star you should have been ready for hairy guys waiting in your bushes with cameras.

Now the paparazzi makes it’s money off of tabloids that pay good money for each picture. But celebrities have a lot of money too. So why don’t they all put a little into a pool to pay a team of photographers to make the paparazzi’s lives horrible?

This is where you come in. Hang out in the most popular of places. And when you see a celebrity, ignore them. You want to take pictures of their fat stalker. Let's call him Bob. Now follow Bob home. Never stop taking pictures. Has Bob put on weight since the summer? I bet so! Are the rumors true? Might Bob and his wife be on the splits? Nope, don't worry, Bob doesn't have a wife. And he's been unable to feel for years! Ha ha. Get some pictures of Bob not feeling.

You're bound to get the attention of the stars and to be rolling in cash in no time.



-Erik

Money Saving Tip #11: Drink the Free Coffee at the Bank

It’s free! And believe me, you can taste how free it is. But it is coffee, and what’s important is that you are fully aware of you surroundings as the day systematically crushes your dreams.

Step 1: Walk into the Bank

I’m a big proponent of getting away with things because you act like you know what you're doing. In this case you’ll want to act like you have a pile of money that you’re giving to the bank. Not true! But slowly chant to everyone you see “I have a pile of money for the bank. Just a usual day, at the bank”. No one will suspect that you’re there for coffee!

Step 2: Find the Coffee

It’s usually at the end of the bank line on a dirty wooden desk set up by the same guy who sets up all garage sales. They have two options: Regular and Decaf. Stay away from the decaf. That’s not even worth free. Now the coffee might look like it’s been there over night, but you’re in this far and there’s no way out. Keep informing people that your “piles of money will look good in this bank!”.

Step 3: Fill your cup, sir!

All of the cups at the bank are Styrofoam. Remember, the bank hates the Earth. But there will be time to write several complaint letters later. On good ol’ U.S. of A. one-sided paper. But for now you need to pour that gritty black sludge into your tiny buoyant cup. Mmmm… smells luke warm and burnt. You’re almost done!

Step 4: Sugar or Cream?

How do you take your coffee? With cream? What is this, the Renascence!? Cream is for chumps. What you need is a non-dairy creamer. Not only does it come as a powder, but it tastes White. Perfect for making coffee taste less like coffee! Mix and you’ve got yourself a tasty cup!

Step 5: Leave the Bank Pretending that You Forgot Something

You’ve got your cup of joe, now you need to get out! The best way is to pretend you forgot something. Politely announce “I forgot my giant piles of money! I’ll see you next time, BANK!” . And by next time you mean next time you need more coffee! Well done!

Now I must note that not all banks have coffee. Hate mail should fix this. In the mean time you might have to get creative. Here are some other places that do have coffee:

Funeral Homes

Church After Sermon Gatherings

Car Dealerships

Teacher Lounges

Office Buildings

Homeless Shelters

Airplanes

And more!

Follow these exact same steps, and you’ll be set regardless of location!

-Erik

Doodles #2

Here are some more doodles that I made last night at Yaffa Cafe. Every time I go there to draw, some group of drunk kids thinks I'm drawing them. This time they were right.

-Erik

Sunday Night Stand-Up flyer #8!

Here's another flyer for Sunday Night Stand-Up! I thought about having a bite out taken out of him, but he doesn't have legs anyways. So crutches ahoy!

This week's lineup:

LOUIE KATZ (HBO's Down 'N Dirty; NBC's Last Call w. Carson Daly)
http://www.louiskatzcomedy.com/index.htm

ROGER HAILES (writer, NBC's Late Night w. Jimmy Fallon)
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=174700&title=roger-hailes-inventing-light

SHENG WANG (Comedy Central's Live at Gotham)
http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=88037&title=sheng-wang-family-pack-condoms

JESSICA DELFINO (Acclaimed albums, "Dirty Folk Rock" & "I Wanna Be Famous")
http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/wanna_famous

NEAL STASTNY (featured, New Orleans Comedy & Arts Festival)
http://www.hs.facebook.com/people/Neal-Stastny/2809906#!/profile.php?id=2809906&ref=ts

JEFF WESSELSCHMIDT (featured, Aspen Comedy Festival)
http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/watch/MyStonedRoommates

Plus myself, RG, and special guests!

Lucky Seven

I was at a mic on St. Marks, late last night, when it came time for the raffle portion of this particular show. Normally they'd draw a ticket number and the prize (a beer and a book) would go to that person. But this time the host thought screw it and said "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. I'll put my hand behind my back and you guess". Then she put one hand behind her back. The first three guesses were "7!", "6!", and "8!". Sure, can't go wrong.

But it got me thinking, if you have an extra finger they usually remove it when you're a baby. It's one of the few cases where they mutilate you to make you normal. It's kind of like watching Dirty Dancing in that way.

-Erik

Doodles #1

I like to doodle. This is what I was drawing last night on the subway after a show. I missed my stop, and didn't realize it until two stops later, but I know that that miserable subterranean wait was worth it when I look at his hooks for hands.

-Erik

Ron Perlman is a giant Tom Waits

Case in point. Plus Tom ALWAYS sings about living in a hat. Fix my shoes, Tom.

Plus, Ron Perlman used to star in a show that claimed that he lived in the sewer. Impossible.

-Erik

How about didgeridon't.

I was at a diner in the East Village last night, getting some writing done, when a white dude came in and started to play a didgeridoo.

How about didgeridon't. I know the instrument is underrepresented, but maybe that's because it sounds like a whale spitting up.

Really, I can tell that you're in touch with nature from your neck tattoo, but save "Gaia's tuba" for when you save the world by partying in the desert.

Thanks,
Erik

The Owl and the Pussycat #1

Here's a painting that I was commissioned to do. It's from the first portion of Edward Lear's "The Owl and the Pussycat".

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea

In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!'

Yikes, might as well just call it Hooters and Pussy. Boo-ya!

*sobs into his T-shirt*

Cheers!
-Erik